It's Time!

So...guess what happened?

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What went wrong?

USC fired Lane Kiffin.

The state of Tennessee rejoices together on this one!

Perhaps you don't fully understand this kind of universal despise toward a person. Good for you. But, allow me to dive into a recap of why most of Tennessee, particularly the northeast, sleeps soundly this week.

Sit back and imagine this scenario, if you would:

...

You are in a relationship. Things are going ok, you are happy. But lately you have started to notice the familiar face of a friend that's always been there. For years you have wondered what if, but you were happy in your relationship, so you ignored it.

Then, one day, a quintuple bypass hits. You are shaken. What are you to do, how do you go on? Who arrives but a knight in shining armor. Or, more accurately, a nice, orange sweater vest. Suddenly you realize what love is. You understand what your grandma meant when she talked of the perfect man, her "General" as she called him. The world as you know it is completely in tune.

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What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

As the years pass, you can't imagine anything better. Until one day, you come home to the best surprise of all, a crystal ball. No one has been that excited about a ball since the townspeople in Rodgers and Hammerstein's version of Cinderella. You are completely content and imagine life could not get better.

Then, life gets in the way. You aren't showered with as many gifts, others are getting new crystal, while yours just collects dust. You hit a rough patch, things aren't great. So you work to fix it, but things keep going badly. Finally, after 17 years, you decide to part ways. You are hurt, but you know it's for the best.

You get back on the market, looking for someone to fill the void left after your messy divorce. When in walks a bad boy out of California. He has a record that indicates some success, but also failure. And his name always seems to be tied to criminal activity, although nothing ever seems to stick. You loved the stand up guy you were with, but this guy could talk his way out of a prison full of foreign, deaf guards. He's Marilyn Monroe to your Tommy Ewell, call it your 17-year itch.

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Working the smolder

So, you take a chance. You are swept away. The impact is immediate. You have all the cool kids wanting to come hang out with you. And after about a month, he gets a dog, and names his middle name after your home city. Things could not be going any better. He has said and done all the right things.

Then, things got weird. He starts calling out other guys for things they haven't done. He makes bold statements that you have a hard time agreeing with. But then he surprises you with a gift or two and talks his way out of your concerns. Next thing you know, you are receiving phone calls from the police about your connection with some scandals, including a potential prostitution ring. You realize something is wrong, so you go and have a heart to heart. He talks you back from the ledge and you go out telling your friends it was all a big misunderstanding.

Then, one night, you come home and he left a post-it note on the phone saying he was going back to California. Your vulnerable heart has just been crushed. You are looking at years of probation based off his idiocy, and you are forced to face it alone. You cry and yearn for the good ole days. With your good stable guy, sure, he had put on some weight, but he would never hurt you. Pounds of chocolate and pints of ice cream later, you emerge back into the public eye. You catch a glimpse in a mirror and see a shattered version of your old self staring back at you. Humbled, you realize the people that used to love you are avoiding you. It's all you can do to get dinner with your old friends, let alone a date.

But eventually, you settle with a guy, sure, he wasn't the obvious choice, but there weren't many great suitors. Plus, he is from a great southern family. His surname perks the ears of many of your friends. Sure, he hadn't done anything...yet. But, you were giving him his chance to shine! Plus, he was a lawyer.

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His hair, though. Immaculate.

That experiment proved that you should never say, "Can it get any worse?" It can always get worse. He had great stories, but he was kind of a jerk. It was never a good fit, and it wasn't until you saw that smug, private-schooled friend of yours and realized you were a little bit jealous that you knew you had reached rock bottom.

...

There you have it. Lane Kiffin is our John Tucker. Though, we root for firing, not death. He went through USC and screwed them over with Reggie Bush. He went to Oakland and angered Al Davis. He came to UT and pissed off the state, then for some inexplicable reason USC took him back.  And what happened? He crashed the car, again.

I never bought into the Lane Kiffin fever at UT. I would like to say that I knew a snake when I saw one, but really I was just really on team Phil. I thought he should have more time. After all, we were an Ainge pick-six from winning the SEC Championship in 2007. Nick Saban could have been the new coach and I would have been cautiously optimistic. But a lot of my friends, including my roommate bought in. And it was a long, hard fall. I can still remember the night he left. We were sitting in the on-campus apartments and he got a text.

 "Kiffin is leaving tonight for USC."

He was literally speechless. He eventually punched a wall and paced angrily before finally forming words. But it was a tough night for him. Fortunately he didn't go mattress burning crazy, although he seriously debated going out there when he heard, haha.

So, here's to Lane Kiffin. The ex that haunted our dreams has finally gotten the karma everyone hoped would come back around. And honestly, I hope he gets a new job and does great. It was never personal, only about him leaving us for USC. Sure, it was his dream job, but you never like the one you were left for. But hey, it didn't work out. We moved on, now they are.

Consider this my closure.